I have always been a softie for love poems about those ‘Three Little Words’ sweetly written, quietly whispered, or shouted from a mountaintop. Our hearts flutter just a bit when these words are spoken to us or mouthed softly from our own lips.
BUT… those are not the words I am thinking about today! Rather, the three words that come to mind sting just a bit and can cause me to catch my breath. What words could cause such a reaction, you might ask?
“LET ME FINISH”. I have heard these words more since Buddy’s retirement and they stop me in my tracks. I have sometimes justified my interruptions as knowing my spouse so well that I can finish his sentences! Or is it because we are both getting older and want to help as our partner grasps in the air for that elusive word or phrase that just cant seem to make it’s way to the front of our lips?
Whatever the reason, I frequently need to remind myself to be quiet and listen better when I am in conversation with my spouse… or anyone else for that matter! Which brings me to sharing a few tidbits from a great article I found by Roger Flax, PhD, ‘You’re Probably a Bad Listener’ (Bottom Line Personal Sept. 15, 2016).
Dr. Flax believes most people don’t think they bad listeners but in all reality, they probably are L. But, be hopeful! Recognizing the problem is half of the solution! I invite you to read on and see if any(or most) of these habits ring true for you. The good news: By recognizing any shortfalls, we can be on our way to improving those less than stellar listening skills!
Distraction: Is your mind already focusing on where you think the conversation is going? Do you ‘check out’ if the conversation or topic is not of interest to you? Do you disagree with what is being said or does it strike an emotional chord? Dr. Flax suggests using the PDA strategy- (not Public Display of Affection) but Purpose/Detail/Action to help w/ the distraction listening habit. He states that focusing on the purpose of what the speaker is trying to say can be helpful- especially if the speaker is not a ‘to the point’ kind of person. Pay attention to the details and ask questions if more information is needed and then determine what action the speaker would like you to take. Again, ask the speaker if you are unclear!
Inward Focus: Is your mind already jumping ahead to what you are going to say in response? Dr. Flax offers the sometimes difficult challenge of keeping the conversation focused on the other person rather than on ourselves. Ask follow up questions instead of responding with information about our own life’s activities, experiences, or opinions.
Perfunctory Listening: Are we just not listening ‘deeply enough’- as Dr. Flax states ‘in the right way or with sufficient compassion or patience’? How often is body language or tone of voice ignored? Or we misinterpret what is being said and don’t ask for clarification? What about the habit of rushing someone who is speaking with well intended but annoying affirmations such as ‘Yes, Yes’ and ‘I get it’. Dr. Flax recommends more focus on a person’s ‘non verbal’ speech and posture to help create a complete picture of what the speaker is trying to say.
My listening skills shortcomings shine like a neon light from this article’s information and suggestions! So if you find yourself saying (very) quietly, ‘Yep, that’s me!’, then it’s time for a listening makeover!! These techniques might not come easy at first but will sure be helpful in being a better listener to those we love, work, and play with in our daily lives! Buddy will love me for it and I sure will enjoy hearing the other 3 little words!
How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 – 1861
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Yes, it’s too easy not to listen intently. In this day and age, we’re/I’m bombarded with information overload. Sometimes I just want quiet and not conversation. But that’s not far to the other person (no mater who that is).
Thanks for your observation and suggestions.