Category: Reflections

  I have found myself ‘being present’ to my spouse, work, church and pets, but have had minimal time to call my own. Part of the reason is that my main outlet has been put on hold these past few months. This outlet has been my ‘cave’ time according to the popular relationship book of the 90’s, Women are from Venus & Men are from Mars!

I continue to be challenged with my ‘helper’ mentality when it comes to Buddy. He is very competent in many things, but can still have trouble finding the milk in the refrigerator! Or what about completing a task that may have been ‘my job’ in the past but is now something Buddy can take care in his own free time?? Maybe it is an unrealistic expectation on my part because Buddy is now retired. Where is the balance?

How many of you gals with retired spouses have had similar ‘helper’ mentality experiences, whether there is a need to pick up more bread at the market or making a follow up call regarding a repair need?

So what have these last few months taught me and how do I move forward with grace while maintaining my ‘inside’ voice?

First of all, Pray. Yes… seriously. My Creator is one of love and grace. It is my prayer that I can offer the same love and grace to my spouse. When I feel my ‘cranky ‘pants’ coming on, I can take a deep breath and pray for kind words to come from my lips. I know I mess up a lot and am given grace when I certainly don’t deserve it!

Secondly, have a Sense of Humor. Back in the day, I was called the GA(Good Attitude) Kid. So, lets not lose sight of a good attitude just because things get a little sideways!

Third, don’t make a Mountain Out of a Molehill. It’s so easy to hold onto frustrations of recent experiences. But that moment is gone… done! I can either choose to focus on the past situation and grovel in it, or I can think how I might respond differently the next time.

Let’s add a fourth in, too…Communicate. Holding hurts and frustrations inside are a gut killer! Unrealistic expectations can shoot you in the foot. When we talk about these things and have clarity in our expectations, the positive benefits to our relationships can be huge.

Ok… now that I gotten that off my chest! See how helpful communicating is- even in the written word!! The next post will be about a common character flaw and one that Buddy calls me out for quite often!!

Until then…

This phrase came to my mind a while ago and it has been like a ‘broken record’ in my brain! Following Buddy’s retirement last August, traveling and celebrating the holidays kept both of us happily busy during the remainder of last year. But sprinkled throughout those busy times have also been brief periods of frustrations for each of us as we navigate the balance of independence and togetherness.

With 2016 making its debut, I have experienced the occasional challenge of maintaining my own interests, including my profession, while adjusting to the spontaneity of Buddy’s free time. Likewise, Buddy has had  moments of impatience as I hustle off to my ‘less than part time’ work, volunteer activity, or to enjoy my passion with horses. My desire to ‘fix’ his periods of discomfort in this thing called retirement has also been another area of awareness for me.

Buddy has continued his need to stay relatively busy and thrives on maintaining some degree of regularity in his routine- at least during the first part of the day. When others ask how he is doing, Buddy will share, albeit with reservation and brevity, ‘I’m starting to get the hang of it”.

I am not involved in that many different activities, but a fair amount of time is spent in my few chosen pleasures. This is also where some of my personal challenges have occurred: How much is too much time away? Do I need to give something up? Were my and Buddy’s expectations about our individual free time ‘way off the mark’ with each other when retirement actually became a reality?

That being said, I am so grateful for the phrase that continues to come to mind when I do find my frustrations creeping in: There are no do overs.

Buddy and I have seen many couples that are truly enjoying retirement – traveling, spending time with children and grandchildren, and giving back to their community in different ways. However, there are some friends who are not experiencing their retirement years as they may have hoped or expected. Chronic illness or even death has robbed the anticipated treasures of their so called ‘golden years’.

It is my own hesitant peek into the future that I realize this life with my partner of almost 35 years will not go on forever. It is not my intention to get maudlin about this thought…but the true fact is that none of us will live forever! The feeling of thinking we were invincible as in our younger years has long since passed!

The important thing is how we approach each day and how we choose to spend time with our friends, co- workers, and most importantly, spouses. I will continue to navigate the day to day balance of independence and togetherness; but God brought this man into my life and our time together needs to be, should be… IS the priority. It’s time to give my man a hug and thank God for every day we have together.

Buddy and I spent this first day of 2016 in typical New Year’s Day fashion: watching the Rose Parade and Rose Bowl Game on TV, and of course, putting our ‘not’ New Year’s Resolutions to the test!

Surprisingly, there is not much difference between the top New Year’s resolutions of 2015 and the popular resolutions made by those of us in retirement age! A few of the New Year’s resolutions you would expect involve health and wellness; and according to Nielson ratings, ‘staying fit and healthy’ resounded with a whopping 37% of our population with ‘losing weight’ coming in at #2 with 32%.

Other resolutions that made the top ten list last year include spending time with family and friends, traveling and reading more, learning something new and getting more organized. It was encouraging to learn that our resolutions don’t change too much as we grow older; however, I have listed a few unique ones I discovered for seniors/retired folks:

1. Get tech saavy– I’d say this would not generally be a New Year’s resolution for most of the generations younger than us! Who is brave enough to admit having trouble navigating through the basics of computer use, let alone, ‘hash tagging’ or ‘twittering’??

2. Age gracefully– being young and invincible isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! We now have laugh lines to proudly display(and cover up!) and years of wisdom to help guide our decision making. However, it does become quickly apparent what our bodies are physically capable and incapable of doing… well, most of the time!

3. Smile more– Let’s use our retirement free time to help make other folks’ lives a little better. Having a little more patience (everyone can use a little more patience- no matter what age!), lending a hand to someone in need, or volunteering for a non profit organization can be a great way to give a smile to someone else.

5. Work to prevent falls– Ouch(in more ways than one)! The CDC reports that millions of older adults fall and over 700,000 are hospitalized each year. I will choose to put this resolution under the ‘staying fit’ category and maintaining a regular exercise routine.

4. Pray for world peace– I found this to be an interesting New Year Resolution as most resolutions are focused on self improvement. Our world and all its leaders do need prayer for peace and unity.

5. Be around next year to make another resolution– This is the best resolution I’ve seen yet! I’m definitely adding this one to my list!

Buddy and I agreed to ‘not’ New Year’s resolutions- we are making a commitment to eat fruit and vegetables every day and maintain a current healthy weight. We have decided to be part of the Nielson 16% that just ‘throws in the towel’ and doesn’t make any resolutions!

What New Year’s resolution(s) have you made for 2016? Or would you rather just make ‘a commitment’ and join us to increase the 16% Nielson group? In either case, may 2016 bring you many joys and blessings!

So, I may have some of you thinking, “Yep, that title goes right along w/ the saying, ‘Behind every good man….” and at the same time nodding in silent agreement that we gals REALLY know who runs the household, right??

Well, I’m going to do a little spin here as I am referring not to the man of the house but to us gals as managers of our homes who THINK WE ARE KING!  Please remember that each of us has our own experiences and opinions but I found myself getting gently knocked off this particular pedestal the first week we were home following our fun RV adventure.

It wasn’t something that I noticed right away but was rather like a mild summer cold that slowly creeps up on you: first a little scratchy throat and a few sneezes. Then comes the ever so mild body aches and slight fever. Before you know it, you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks that started off as a few small pebbles.

In both situations, once I felt the symptoms, I didn’t like it!!

This ‘getting knocked off my pedestal’ syndrome presented itself through three simple words: “I’LL DO IT”. That was it! My internal reaction was the same as when those cold symptoms began to hit: ‘’ Oh, no you don’t” as I visualized my body’s defenses defeating the foreigners who were attempting to wreak havoc w/ my finely tuned and balanced machine!

That’s pretty much how it seemed when Buddy uttered those words in the kingdom I had been managing with such balance all these years! And the ironic part is that anyone from the outside would be correct in scolding me and saying, ‘You should be happy he is picking up more of the household tasks!’

But why was that not the case???

 So where does this feeling come from? Is it merely a territory thing or does it hit a more personal chord such as my feelings of competency? Either way, I have consciously chosen at this time to be silent and honor the many changes that Buddy is experiencing but not always communicating.

To me, it is a matter of ADJUSTING and the words of wisdom shared with me before Buddy’s retirement once again began to ring loudly in my ears: this adjustment involves both of us in different but connected ways.

Communication (and prayer!) can be a great healer. And I have a grateful heart to share the daily rhythms of life with my partner. It is both a blessing and a gift.

Today came more quickly than expected after weeks of friendly well intended reminders about the anticipated ‘big day’.  As with many things in life, you think there is plenty of time-  and then all of a sudden, the baby is in your arms…kids are heading off to college… or, the vacation is over and you are back to the daily routine of home and work! That same feeling has descended upon us these last few weeks and we are now looking back on a 35 year career.  My spunky Italian mother would often say in her last few years of life, “How quick it came!” Of course that statement always came AFTER reminding you that she didn’t retire until she was 83!

Buddy is not generally the type of guy to often share his feelings, but he began making occasional comments as Retirement Day was becoming more of a reality. His statement this morning was particularly significant to me as he shared, “I feel as if I’m leaving myself behind’.  What do you say to that?  There wasn’t really time for any lengthy conversation as he had to get to work(last day for that!) but I responded back with this: “You will wake up the same guy tomorrow as you did today”.  I also told Buddy his work isn’t all that he is but what he does. 

Of course, this brief conversation got me thinking about grief and loss. Buddy is saying goodbye to the professional life he wanted from the time he was a college student and has since been living for the past 35 years. We are yet to experience the feelings and responses this change will create tomorrow and the next…. but it will affect us both.  So what can I do as a retirement wife?  I will keep reminding myself about the stages of grief and loss and pray for an overflowing heart of understanding and patience(while throwing in some humor at hopefully the right time!)

As a retirement wife, what challenge did you experience w/ your newly retired spouse? What did you find helped with the transition in the early days after your spouse’s retirement?