Hello all you retirement wives!! I am getting back on the grid and there is sooooo much to share! Have you noticed the new look? There will be more exciting additions coming and I will keep you ‘posted’!!
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Three Little Words
I have always been a softie for love poems about those ‘Three Little Words’ sweetly written, quietly whispered, or shouted from a mountaintop. Our hearts flutter just a bit when these words are spoken to us or mouthed softly from our own lips.
BUT… those are not the words I am thinking about today! Rather, the three words that come to mind sting just a bit and can cause me to catch my breath. What words could cause such a reaction, you might ask?
“LET ME FINISH”. I have heard these words more since Buddy’s retirement and they stop me in my tracks. I have sometimes justified my interruptions as knowing my spouse so well that I can finish his sentences! Or is it because we are both getting older and want to help as our partner grasps in the air for that elusive word or phrase that just cant seem to make it’s way to the front of our lips?
Whatever the reason, I frequently need to remind myself to be quiet and listen better when I am in conversation with my spouse… or anyone else for that matter! Which brings me to sharing a few tidbits from a great article I found by Roger Flax, PhD, ‘You’re Probably a Bad Listener’ (Bottom Line Personal Sept. 15, 2016).
Dr. Flax believes most people don’t think they bad listeners but in all reality, they probably are L. But, be hopeful! Recognizing the problem is half of the solution! I invite you to read on and see if any(or most) of these habits ring true for you. The good news: By recognizing any shortfalls, we can be on our way to improving those less than stellar listening skills!
Distraction: Is your mind already focusing on where you think the conversation is going? Do you ‘check out’ if the conversation or topic is not of interest to you? Do you disagree with what is being said or does it strike an emotional chord? Dr. Flax suggests using the PDA strategy- (not Public Display of Affection) but Purpose/Detail/Action to help w/ the distraction listening habit. He states that focusing on the purpose of what the speaker is trying to say can be helpful- especially if the speaker is not a ‘to the point’ kind of person. Pay attention to the details and ask questions if more information is needed and then determine what action the speaker would like you to take. Again, ask the speaker if you are unclear!
Inward Focus: Is your mind already jumping ahead to what you are going to say in response? Dr. Flax offers the sometimes difficult challenge of keeping the conversation focused on the other person rather than on ourselves. Ask follow up questions instead of responding with information about our own life’s activities, experiences, or opinions.
Perfunctory Listening: Are we just not listening ‘deeply enough’- as Dr. Flax states ‘in the right way or with sufficient compassion or patience’? How often is body language or tone of voice ignored? Or we misinterpret what is being said and don’t ask for clarification? What about the habit of rushing someone who is speaking with well intended but annoying affirmations such as ‘Yes, Yes’ and ‘I get it’. Dr. Flax recommends more focus on a person’s ‘non verbal’ speech and posture to help create a complete picture of what the speaker is trying to say.
My listening skills shortcomings shine like a neon light from this article’s information and suggestions! So if you find yourself saying (very) quietly, ‘Yep, that’s me!’, then it’s time for a listening makeover!! These techniques might not come easy at first but will sure be helpful in being a better listener to those we love, work, and play with in our daily lives! Buddy will love me for it and I sure will enjoy hearing the other 3 little words!
How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 – 1861
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Twice as much
Hi there, Retirement Wives!! I have been ‘off the grid’ for the past few months getting through a home remodel project that began last July- expanding one of the bedrooms, and remodeling the Master and Guest baths. Is there a Murphy’s Law of home remodeling?
If not, here is my version: Twice as much/Twice as long!
Buddy and I are opposites on many things and home style/décor is another thing to add to that list. No surprise there! I have to say that our communication and decision making was not really the issue during this particular project… it was the physical chaos as a result of breaking down walls, putting up new walls, demolishing flooring and tile and all the ‘construction dust’ that goes along with it.
And then there is the scheduling and ‘no shows’ of workers, materials that are back ordered or no longer available, and… the cost!
Oh, yes…Twice as much/Twice as long!
How many of you have experienced the frustrations and challenges of remodeling your home? And the biggest accomplishment is staying married through it all!!
A little humor goes a long way so I have included a little contractor television nostalgia for you all to enjoy…Tim the Tool Man
Home remodel…
Getting out from under the plastic tarps, dust and more dust… looking forward to catching up with all our retirement wives! Be back soon!!
Cookies and more cookies
Here is the cookie recipe for the Christmas Trees picture:
Betty Crocker Christmas Tree Brownie Cookie
I have also included my favorite Christmas cookie recipe of all times. And if you are a Peppermint Patty lover, you will enjoy this gooey chocolate cookie warm out of the oven!!
Hershey Peppermint Patty cookie
National Cookie Day
Our country will celebrate one of the sweetest days on December 4th… 
Lets raise our wooden spoons and spatulas to National Cookie Day! According to NationalDayCalendar.com, our English word, cookie, was derived from the Dutch work ‘koekie’, which means ‘little cake’.
It is likely that cookies had their origin in the Middle East when sugar became a regular staple in food preparation. All levels of European society enjoyed the benefits of cookies around the 14th century and America followed in the 1600’s.
There are a number of cookie categories, from Bar cookies to Pressed, No Bake or Sandwich cookies. And if you for some reason miss baking or eating your favorites on National Cookie Day, you can take the opportunity to make it up on National Oatmeal(April 30th), Pecan(September 21st)or National BakeCookies Day(December 18th).
In some other regions outside of the U.S. the word ‘biscuits’ is still used when speaking about cookies. I prefer ‘cookie’ as biscuit just doesn’t sound sweet enough and conjures up the image of a doggie treat in my mind!
But if you want yet another day to celebrate the biscuit, then ….. for our beloved canine friends, this day is for you!
Whether it was the Blue Chip Cookie Company or The Cookie Monster who proclaimed the start of National Cookie Day, we can take this day to enjoy a smattering of our most delectable treats!!
The Balancing Act
I have found myself ‘being present’ to my spouse, work, church and pets, but have had minimal time to call my own. Part of the reason is that my main outlet has been put on hold these past few months. This outlet has been my ‘cave’ time according to the popular relationship book of the 90’s, Women are from Venus & Men are from Mars!
I continue to be challenged with my ‘helper’ mentality when it comes to Buddy. He is very competent in many things, but can still have trouble finding the milk in the refrigerator! Or what about completing a task that may have been ‘my job’ in the past but is now something Buddy can take care in his own free time?? Maybe it is an unrealistic expectation on my part because Buddy is now retired. Where is the balance?
How many of you gals with retired spouses have had similar ‘helper’ mentality experiences, whether there is a need to pick up more bread at the market or making a follow up call regarding a repair need?
So what have these last few months taught me and how do I move forward with grace while maintaining my ‘inside’ voice?
First of all, Pray. Yes… seriously. My Creator is one of love and grace. It is my prayer that I can offer the same love and grace to my spouse. When I feel my ‘cranky ‘pants’ coming on, I can take a deep breath and pray for kind words to come from my lips. I know I mess up a lot and am given grace when I certainly don’t deserve it!
Secondly, have a Sense of Humor. Back in the day, I was called the GA(Good Attitude) Kid. So, lets not lose sight of a good attitude just because things get a little sideways!
Third, don’t make a Mountain Out of a Molehill. It’s so easy to hold onto frustrations of recent experiences. But that moment is gone… done! I can either choose to focus on the past situation and grovel in it, or I can think how I might respond differently the next time.
Let’s add a fourth in, too…Communicate. Holding hurts and frustrations inside are a gut killer! Unrealistic expectations can shoot you in the foot. When we talk about these things and have clarity in our expectations, the positive benefits to our relationships can be huge.
Ok… now that I gotten that off my chest! See how helpful communicating is- even in the written word!! The next post will be about a common character flaw and one that Buddy calls me out for quite often!!
Until then…
A Fall trip to Boston
As I previously wrote about the city of Seattle, my and Buddy’s vacation travels gave me the idea to post info. about the areas we visit from a ‘Could I live here?’ perspective. Whether you may be planning a move or vacation, I’ve included the following:
Accessibility -Navigating the area
Activities -Things to do
Affordability -Cost of living
BOSTON, MASS.
Accessibility:
Boston is a beautiful city with a unique blend of our Country’s early American and modern architecture, entertainment, education, parks, and waterways. It is an easily walkable city, but also has a local rail system and bus lines that timely serves the need for people moving.
The city of Boston has many one-way streets and alley/corridors that go back to horse and carriage days- too narrow for our gas powered cars but continue today as pedestrian passageways. There are also a few remaining cobblestone streets(check out beautiful Acorn Street in Beacon Hill) and brick sidewalks in some areas of the city- including the infamous 2 ½ mile Freedom Trail that extends between the Boston Common and Bunker Hill.
We all know that Boston enjoys the beauty of having four seasons with winter lasting approximately 3 months and an average snowfall of about 44 inches. Summertime can get hot and humid with July generally being the hottest month and September having the highest humidity. Wind is not a great factor in Boston but prepare for some gusty strong breezes in early spring. Having the appropriate gear- depending upon the time of year, will help make navigating the city more enjoyable.
Activities:
A first on the list when visiting Boston is to take the on/off trolley or bus attraction to see this city’s historic and entertainment highlights. You can stop at a variety of locations or just stay on the open air vehicle to view the city’s historic gems: U.S.S. Constitution, Old North Church, site of the Boston Massacre and Old State House, Boston Commons and State House, and of course Fenway Park and Harvard University, to name just a few!
Whether you are walking along the Charles River, taking a stroll through Beacon Hill, North End or down Commonwealth Ave., there are many more places and parks to explore and enjoy! The beauty of this city’s historic and modern architectural structures, gardens and squares, along with the energy and aromas of the local restaurants and pubs, add to Boston’s appeal and attraction.
I can’t really pin point to any one place or activity in Boston that I would consider a favorite. There are just too many from which to choose! Standing at historical sites I learned about in American History- such as Paul Revere’s ride or the Battle of Bunker Hill- is an amazing experience in and of itself! But then, sitting inside Bleacher Bar, being at eye level of Fenway Park’s center field and next to ‘Green Monster’ is a ‘to do’ on the ol’ bucket list!
What I can say is that Boston is full of ‘The First…’ ,‘The Oldest….’ or ‘The Last Remaining…..’! We visited the oldest operating Bar in Boston(Bell In Hand) the oldest ballpark in the U.S. (Fenway) and the first public park(Boston Common). Of course, Boston’s last remaining snow melt from the historic 2015 snowfall didn’t happen until July of that year!
Affordability
As with Seattle, Boston ain’t cheap, either! Approximately half of the city’s population are students who are attending the many prestigious(and expensive!) colleges and universities in the area. Apartments in Boston average about $2,500/month and a one bedroom runs close to $2000/montb. The outlaying areas of Somerville and Cambridge run even slightly more than the city area rent costs.
There are a number of desirable areas in the heart of the city, such as Commonwealth Ave., North end, and Beacon Hill. A home in these areas of Boston carry price tags easily over the million dollar mark! And be prepared to get on the waiting list and shell out another couple hundred thousand for a personal parking space in the nearby garage! One unique advantage of this area of the country is the ability to rent or buy a home that has true historical significance.
In case you are not a city guy or gal, there are many beautiful areas outside of the city that offer stunning rolling New England countryside and beaches that offer their own village charm and stories of American history. We visited the beautiful (and tasty!) http://www.RussellOrchards.com in Ipswich, Mass. The drive was beautiful, especially with the changing leaves of the fall season!
Five (or more) Fun Facts about Boston:
*The statue at Harvard University is not that of John Harvard, its founding father.
*‘Happy Hour’ is against the law in Boston
*Boston experienced a massive ‘molasses flood’ in 1919
*Candlestick bowling had it’s start in Boston
*$100 million dollars of paintings are still missing from a great heist at the Isabella Gardner Museum in 1990
*More people walk to work in Boston as compared with other major U.S. cities
*Christmas was banned by the pilgrims in Boston for 22 years during the late 1600’s
*The first subway and chocolate factory was built in Boston
Settling in Seattle?
Since Buddy and I have begun traveling a bit more, I thought it would be fun to highlight different locations from a ‘Could we live here’ perspective. There are other factors to consider when seriously contemplating a move, but you may find these details helpful in planning a vacation adventure!
I’ve included the three ‘A’s:
Accessibility Navigating the area
Activities Things to do
Affordability Cost of living
And just for kicks and giggles, I will include Five Fun Facts about each location. It may be just the information you need for your next trivia game!
SEATTLE, WA.
Accessibility
My first impression of Seattle is that it is a culturally diverse and hilly city with a beautiful coastline! The downtown area is very accessible by walking, bus, or rail and the various ferries can transport you into a different world of the nearby surrounding islands. No matter the area, Seattle and its neighboring communities never seem to lose their woodsy or seafaring appeal.
City traffic, one way streets and designated bus lanes can be a little daunting for the ‘suburban’ driver; but transportation options like Uber and Lyft can get you in and out of the immediate city limits with ease. It is also not uncommon to see many of the locals getting from place to place on their ‘gently used’ bicycles.
Of course, weather must be considered in the accessibility factor- it rains alot(!) and snow is not uncommon, although not typically in significant amounts during the winter months(Nov- March). It’s wise to have a jacket or sweater available as well as an umbrella for that unexpected change in weather.
Activities
What can I say about a city that has over 400 stunning parks, approximately 40 museums, and a city shoreline that is home to the famous Pike’s Market? And there are more interesting and culturally diverse places to eat than I have ever experienced! Definitely a ‘foodie’s’ paradise!
Seattle has a colorful and very interesting history; the building architecture- both old and new- frame the sky. Two unique architectural icons are the Space Needle and Monorail built in the 1960’s for the World’s Fair – scenes straight out of a cartoon from The Jetsons! 
A must see is Victorian Pioneer Square with its underground city and stories of a raunchy origin. And who can miss a few fish getting tossed at the famous Pike’s Market? At almost every turn, modern architecture commercial/residential high rise boxes pop up indiscriminately in many of the neighborhoods.
The immediate areas surrounding downtown Seattle are often experienced like witnessing a walking carnival; each having their own unique personality and character with an obvious liberal appeal in dress, attitude and décor.
Affordability
Seattle aint cheap- at least in the city and surrounding neighborhoods! A one bedroom loft will cost an average of $2000 according to 2016 stats. But the good news is that Happy Hour eating can be a real bargain for those on a tighter budget! There are plenty of activities that are free or minimal cost. Just be prepared to have a little extra cash on hand if you want to visit the various ‘tourist’ attractions.
Five Fun Facts about Seattle
Seattle as we know it today had much financial backing from ‘Seamstresses’ who helped rebuild the city after the great fire of 1889.
Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks Coffee!
The Space Needle was built in 1962 for the Seattle World’s Fair and was the tallest building west of the Mississippi River.
Seattle is home to more houseboats than anywhere else in the United States.
Jimmy Hendrix was born in Seattle.
Do We Stay or Do We Go?
I apologize for being ‘off the radar’ for the past few months… I have been missing my time spent researching and writing about life with a retired spouse! But in all honesty, it is exactly that life that has kept me away from tapping the computer keys for The Retirement Wives!
Buddy and I innocently began down a slippery slope a couple of months ago when we visited a new housing development in our community to get some decorating ideas. We have lived in our current home for 16 years and have slowly been completing remodel projects – the last one being our ‘forever home’ complete back yard remodel!
Well, that ‘forever home’ plan was challenged recently after embarking on our decorating ideas adventure. We began to look at all the pros and cons of our home versus the new build and even went as far as getting housing comps in our neighborhood!!
Instead of moving, we are now in the throes of a remodel project that has displaced our sleeping and is causing major noise anxiety for our beloved pets. This latest project is giving Buddy and I yet another opportunity to practice teamwork and compromise. In all honesty, I don’t think we will ever get enough practice!
There is a reality in evaluating our home environments as we grow older and is partly what motivated our recent but brief home relocation consideration. How much house it too much for a couple with children no longer living at home? At what point do stairs become a mountain to climb or a scary flight of steps leading to the ground floor of life’s daily activities?
And we haven’t even begun to consider… the grandkids!! Although we have not yet been blessed with grandchildren, we have witnessed friends experiencing the joys of being close to their own children’s families or the heartaches of living far away.
So for now, we will stay put in our larger than needed abode, finish the last of our remodeling list, and ‘refresh’ our home’s décor- all on retirement income! But I do have to say that the door has been cracked open as to where we might next plant our feet. Maybe it will be moving to a town where we can be pedestrians more often than drivers or relocating to an area closer to the next generation of our gene pool…
My son may have had the best idea: take the RV and go travelling around the U.S. And I don’t think it would be the first time a retired couple has packed it up and hit the road!
